In news completely separate from the tour, and diverting back to some of the blog’s original purpose: a Dad update. I have been meaning to write about my longing for him lately and this seemed an appropriate milestone to dedicate an entry. Yesterday marks the four-month anniversary of my family’s loss. It is weird to mark it so, because in some ways it feels like its been ages, yet I'm set me back to the very week in July. I’m at the very edge of emotion, wishing to understand how life is supposed to go on. It is difficult feeling so vulnerable, particularly working in such close proximity with other people. I really try not to project my sadness but sometimes it is truly overwhelming.
A few days ago my roommate Kelly and I were watching “Father of the Bride” before going to bed. Tears streamed down my cheeks on to my pillow as Steve Martin monologues with anguish over his daughter’s big life step. All I could think about was- as has often been the case these few months- who will do this for me? Who will walk me down the aisle and give my hand? Who will I dance with and kiss goodbye as I step into adult, married life? I’m not even remotely close to marrying someone but it is where my mind goes when I wonder about the future. Not how he will miss my “big break” or my first child, should those ever come, but my wedding. I know several young women who have done this without their father or mother, but I had never considered the prospect for myself until it was too late.
Other things strike me: poignant or longing lyrics I never noticed before, character details in books or films. I am more sensitive to many writers’ sorrow, particularly playwrights. I am forever discovering the scope of this new lens with which I see the world…everything is different. Some things have lost their bloom, but I see beauty where it was not before.
I am still working on finding coping mechanisms, outlets for my frustration and confusion. I've realized recently I'm in desperate need of a hobby and some physical exercise. Being on tour, I am more inert in both body and mind than I have every been in my life. It is so hard to rev myself up about working out when I've been in a car for 13 hours, or up since 6:30 doing two shows and greeting hundreds of children. I have always had a hard time self motivating...but I need some serious stimulation to get me out of this funk. As my mom has often reminded me these days: Choose Joy!!
I am still working on finding coping mechanisms, outlets for my frustration and confusion. I've realized recently I'm in desperate need of a hobby and some physical exercise. Being on tour, I am more inert in both body and mind than I have every been in my life. It is so hard to rev myself up about working out when I've been in a car for 13 hours, or up since 6:30 doing two shows and greeting hundreds of children. I have always had a hard time self motivating...but I need some serious stimulation to get me out of this funk. As my mom has often reminded me these days: Choose Joy!!
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