Kaddish

The old fashion 'year of mourning' has always fascinated me. Clear up until early this summer I pondered the significance of a full year, 12 months of recovery from the loss of a loved one. From one lacking experience in the field, it seemed much too long. At Stagedoor we had a Tarlton barbecue and watched Gone with the Wind- my first time through the entire film. Scarlet's year of mourning for her first husband seemed so painfully boring. Unwillingly wearing her black, dying to dance at parties, like a quarantined healthy person. Granted, it was Scarlet...But Olivia in Twelfth Night suffered similarly. She did grieve deeply for the death of her father, and refused visitors as protocol of mourning. But it's hard to tell whether she is still suffering, or happy to use the excuse to avoid the advances of men and simply be alone.

Now I see how imperative a year really is for recovery. I often fantasize about being shut away, able to ruminate openly and continuously over my loss. Perhaps then, living in it so fully, for such a concentrated amount of time, it would not sneak up on me in fits and starts. I would not have to receive the outside world until it was time to put my grief away.

I have started talking to someone, call it therapy if you like. I've done this once before (in a bout of college anxiety) so it's not some big secret admission. I think it's been helpful having someone completely objective, whose sole purpose is to be my ear, my board to bounce off my thoughts and concerns. And she shared a prayer from the Jewish faith with me; the Kaddish is not technically the mourners prayer (that's the El Molai Rachamim, said at funerals) but it is said in a great loss, particularly of a parent. The mourner says the prayer publicly everyday for eleven months, and then releases the soul and ceases mourning. It proves the strength of faith of the mourner, that despite their loss they acknowledge and praise God. It's a very interesting concept which has been on my mind since she mentioned it.


More than anything, I think I wanted to share that as an extension of my rumination on time, I am seeing the value of allowing myself just that. Time. Through the last few months I have tried to press through my grief at times, to "get back to myself". I want so badly to feel normal. But eventually my little grey cloud catches up to me again and living through the feelings seems to be the only way to help them dissipate. It's like a physical ailment, it must be kneaded and soothed and rested and generally attended, instead of ignored.


So that's that. I've had good days and bad days lately, but when I step out of myself I realize it's only getting better when I am present, regardless of which kind of day it happens to be. As long as I'm there. If I am present I find much more hope, and sunshine through the grey.

Devouring Time

February is flying by. I blink and there goes another week. I don't know where time flits off to, but I'm not privy to it's whereabouts or have any say in it's passage.

I've always had a fascination with time. I recall being a little girl and sitting up at night not wanting to sleep, thinking, "We would waste much less time if we didn't need to sleep. Think of all the things we could do at night!" I suppose I've never been a good sleeper, that's where it all began. The cycles of light and dark have no effect on the ebb and flow of my desires in work (or play) and rest. I often get waves of tremendous creative or physical energy late at night which are hard to squash for my intense need of rest for the next long day. I am up all hours of the night, never able to sleep more than three or four hours at a time, then could lounge in bed til noon if allowed.

It isn't just sleep. I have never had a consistent sense of time's passing. There are some days whose daylight seems to stretch for three days. I remember this sensation on tour, that 'yesterday' felt like 'last week'. I couldn't tell you what I'd eaten for dinner it seemed so long ago. Then just this last week I realized it blew from Monday to Friday without my knowledge. Yet it seems a century since I've seen a friend, when it was only last weekend.

Read a book recently called Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman. An imagined set of dreams Einstein might've had about time while he was composing his Theory of Relativity in 1905. Short and sweet, I read it in a manner of hours but have been thinking about it since then. There are bits of truth in each story, time feeling as if it all happened in one day, time as being relative to a state of motion, time's cyclical nature. I connected to each vignette, as though perhaps all of these worlds are real within our own. It's pretty brilliant and if you are looking for something fanciful but also thought provoking, I highly recommend it.

Speaking of time- and jumping off the existential train- Samanthe's ten months are up! Baby Samuel is here and is so precious and perfect! I got to see him at 24 hours old and I haven't seen such a new baby in so long, you forget how very tiny we are at the start of it all! Here he is world!!

A Shocking Amount

My brother has a song with this title, but it's also in reference to the amazing amount of time I spend listening to Sara Bareilles. Her new album, Kaleidoscope Heart, has been on repeat on my iPod since I purchased it three weeks ago. I've listened to little else, unless it was for research purposes. I really connect to her sound and her lyrics, so it's a gold mine of never ending inspiration and heart string tugging.

In the real news of that which is my life, things are happening! I've been on11 auditions thus far, some of which have managed to go well! I am less and less nervous each time I go into the rooms so pretty soon I'll even be myself. I have to say, appointments are definitely my favorite situation though...everyone is much calmer and timing is usually really efficient.

I also got a day job!! HOORAY!! I'm hostessing and serving at a brand new little restaurant called Carmine Club Cafe. It is a New American place with roots in the Mediterranean...delicious food and a unique wine/beer list. Everything I've had has been delicious, top notch quality dishes, and everyone who works there is so passionate. Because I've never served before its a HUGE learning curb, but I'm having a great time. A friend of mine back home said, "Waitressing? Now you're a real New York actress!"

That's the general update. Auditions, waiting tables, freezing my buns off in the New York winter. I think this is the most snow I've had up here in my 5 years...I love snow but the after effects- gray slush, icy sidewalks, hiking over banks and around puddles- not so fun.

One last thing: new haircut! I asked for the Zooey Dechanel/Katy Perry/Amanda Peet...and I'm loving it.