Life in Lists

I just can't get the prose format to work with me right now, so here is a list. I like those.


The heat is exhausting.
Took my brother to TSU in San Marcos.
I can't decide if I miss school.
I don't miss New York.
The house is so quiet.
Got a haircut for the first time in 4 months.
Obsessed with True Blood.
Also obsessed with fried eggs with Tabasco.
Went to church for the first time in a while.
It was hard.

Here is an amazing picture of Dad. He's in the black suit.

Starting a scrapbook.
Kinda weird how I look the same from 15 on.
Got a new bed.
Mom and I both remarked how in the showroom they are much softer.
My big old dog leaves me presents every time I come home.
Over share?
I hate being mad, but it creeps in from time to time.
Rehearsal started today and I'm super excited.
I have a lot of memorizing to do.
Learning NOT to plan is a daily process.
Being still and quiet is the hardest thing, and my life is currently full of those moments.

Next time I'll try my best to get back to journal format.

Just Visiting

Left Manhattan yesterday. Got to see many friends and wander the dirty city without too much of an agenda. I’m the queen of lists, so of course I had one of people I wanted to see. But I’m constantly amazed at how I manage to meet/run into people in really interesting situations. Long story short, I had the chance to spend time with people I never expected to see. One more affirmation that making plans is futile: life just happens to you.

Started reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell on recommendation from a new friend I worked with this summer. It’s about the snap judgments we make about people or situations. He says, “We need to respect the fact that it is possible to know without knowing why we know and accept that- sometimes- we’re better off that way.” I know, I had to read that sentence a few times. But it's something I struggle with, always trying to over-describe a feeling.  So far the book is really interesting and I have a feeling I'll be done soon. I'm always looking for recommendations for my next read...send them my way!

Also surrounded by poetry lately. Cummings has always been a favorite of mine, and this recently cropped up on our bulletin board at home. My friend Gracie worked on the poem my freshman year in voice and speech at Adler, so I heard it often. We were really close and she recited it the last day of classes, only a week before she transferred to another university. I can hear her voice like a salve in my ears as I read it. I’m sure you’ve all read it, but just a reminder. You won’t regret it.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Manhattan

In New York for a little over a week, seeing friends and moving my worldly possessions from storage to my aunt's in Jersey. I feel so lazy and luxurious sleeping until 11am and having no obligations, but Jason (my dear friend and host for the week) insists I've earned the relaxation between jobs.

Seeing the city beyond my academic eye is very interesting. I can't imagine moving here after having gone to school elsewhere, all the stimulus and constant stream of activity/possibility. I can't say I'm "over it", but I feel a little lost without a schedule. Funny how having a job here is all consuming, but having NOTHING to do is almost as anxiety inducing.

A few observations:

• Everyone has +/- two Silly Bands, despite age or occupation...the exception may be of married ex-frat boys (which are teaming at Rye House).
• The 1 train lacks air conditioning. Much of the city lacks AC, and it's unacceptable. And I have more pores than I ever knew about. You think I'd know this after two summers in the city, but dorms are deceptive living situations. (Anyone who lived at Water Street knows EXACTLY what I mean)
• I missed diversity.
• I have some incredible, loving friends whose hospitality, care, willing ears, and smiles help me through each day. A few people have said to me, "You are so brave." But it's the people around me who get me through each day. I know that's corny...get over it.

Dad is always on my mind. Every baby, every family, every person in scrubs. I had the chance to dine and chat with a friend of mine who lost his father two years ago. Davis was one of the first people to reach out in my loss, and I had been aching to have a face to face with him this last month. His advice was something that resonated with me and has become something of a mantra: "Feel everything. And don't beat yourself up about being happy. Everything will come and go, so don't miss your high notes." I had to remind myself at first that the world has continued to turn, and having a little phrase encouraging happiness makes me feel less crazy on this roller coaster.

At dinner I opened up to Davis about my feeling lost in time and space. That I don't think I belong anywhere, and it's made me question New York (his favorite place on earth). I told him about my hopes to travel and see other places, maybe not be in the city for a while. He had another token about the advice people give you during grief, concerning making 'rash' decisions and changes: "I don't think making rash decisions is wrong, just make sure nothing is permanent. No tattoos, houses, puppies, babies...you get it." This one is definitely pertinent, as I lay down every night thinking, 'Who am I now? What am I supposed to do now?' I'm not afraid of doing things wrong, just that I just wonder what things to DO. Seeing friends and feeling such incredible love and support has been really nice. I hope to keep collecting these phrases that hit my heart as I go, for the days it isn't so easy.

It's amazing how seeing different people elicits a different response in me. People who knew my dad often make me cry without saying a word. Because they knew his beautiful stillness and generosity. People who've lost a parent make my heart drop into my stomach. This unspoken, inexplicable feeling we share now. But seeing them so "normal", in a daily life that doesn't include "I'm so sorry" lifts me back up again. Some people make me feel like my old self, easy and laughing. Some make me angry. The list goes on. I guess this is like anything else in life, different people fueling different facets of yourself. I suppose seeing things in a different light, I'm learning more about opinions I'd previously glossed over.

Okay this got long really fast. Good night, world.

A Start

It's frustrating to start in the middle, but I couldn't possibly start at the beginning. So here goes nothing. My second attempt at the blog, but this time I've got a better handle on what I want to share.

The idea came to me just after my dad died. Today is one month since we lost him. I realized in my family's tragedy, there is so much of the world that we are completely unprepared for. I don't remember a lesson in school about how to deal with losing a parent, or what happens after you graduate from college with a BFA, or any number of inevitable major life transitions. Sure, plenty of advice comes your way, but there are no instructions.

Shaving, 1990.

Carla's wedding, 2005.

I am in the middle of said life transitions. I just graduated from NYU, which sent me into a tizzy of questioning my impending gypsy-hood. I had a job in Florida but it was only a temporary contract and I would have to face the music come fall. When Dad went in the middle of the show's run, it really opened my eyes. I feel like I am looking at a fork in the road, but there are ten different directions and nothing is labeled. That I could travel gracefully down some paths, but others would be an uphill battle.


So back to the point of this little internet diary excursion. Since July 2nd, I have finished the show in Florida, returned home, and booked a new job that rehearses in San Antonio and tours the nation for the fall. This amazing opportunity is something I had set my sights on earlier this year, but my perspective has completely changed. Of course I am still excited to go, and star in shows and see the country from the highway. But I am learning to not make so many plans, and simply enjoy the journey. Because it comes at you so quickly, you'll miss something if you always have your head down.


I want to document this time "after"...after graduating, after losing, after realizing that time is both endless and fleeting. That I want more than words allow. That there's been some profound change in my being, and sorting it out is the only thing I know I have to do.