Manhattan

In New York for a little over a week, seeing friends and moving my worldly possessions from storage to my aunt's in Jersey. I feel so lazy and luxurious sleeping until 11am and having no obligations, but Jason (my dear friend and host for the week) insists I've earned the relaxation between jobs.

Seeing the city beyond my academic eye is very interesting. I can't imagine moving here after having gone to school elsewhere, all the stimulus and constant stream of activity/possibility. I can't say I'm "over it", but I feel a little lost without a schedule. Funny how having a job here is all consuming, but having NOTHING to do is almost as anxiety inducing.

A few observations:

• Everyone has +/- two Silly Bands, despite age or occupation...the exception may be of married ex-frat boys (which are teaming at Rye House).
• The 1 train lacks air conditioning. Much of the city lacks AC, and it's unacceptable. And I have more pores than I ever knew about. You think I'd know this after two summers in the city, but dorms are deceptive living situations. (Anyone who lived at Water Street knows EXACTLY what I mean)
• I missed diversity.
• I have some incredible, loving friends whose hospitality, care, willing ears, and smiles help me through each day. A few people have said to me, "You are so brave." But it's the people around me who get me through each day. I know that's corny...get over it.

Dad is always on my mind. Every baby, every family, every person in scrubs. I had the chance to dine and chat with a friend of mine who lost his father two years ago. Davis was one of the first people to reach out in my loss, and I had been aching to have a face to face with him this last month. His advice was something that resonated with me and has become something of a mantra: "Feel everything. And don't beat yourself up about being happy. Everything will come and go, so don't miss your high notes." I had to remind myself at first that the world has continued to turn, and having a little phrase encouraging happiness makes me feel less crazy on this roller coaster.

At dinner I opened up to Davis about my feeling lost in time and space. That I don't think I belong anywhere, and it's made me question New York (his favorite place on earth). I told him about my hopes to travel and see other places, maybe not be in the city for a while. He had another token about the advice people give you during grief, concerning making 'rash' decisions and changes: "I don't think making rash decisions is wrong, just make sure nothing is permanent. No tattoos, houses, puppies, babies...you get it." This one is definitely pertinent, as I lay down every night thinking, 'Who am I now? What am I supposed to do now?' I'm not afraid of doing things wrong, just that I just wonder what things to DO. Seeing friends and feeling such incredible love and support has been really nice. I hope to keep collecting these phrases that hit my heart as I go, for the days it isn't so easy.

It's amazing how seeing different people elicits a different response in me. People who knew my dad often make me cry without saying a word. Because they knew his beautiful stillness and generosity. People who've lost a parent make my heart drop into my stomach. This unspoken, inexplicable feeling we share now. But seeing them so "normal", in a daily life that doesn't include "I'm so sorry" lifts me back up again. Some people make me feel like my old self, easy and laughing. Some make me angry. The list goes on. I guess this is like anything else in life, different people fueling different facets of yourself. I suppose seeing things in a different light, I'm learning more about opinions I'd previously glossed over.

Okay this got long really fast. Good night, world.